Attack of the MarySues
by Zombies8Me
Summary: The horror story of the Mary-Sues who attack Hogwarts. How can the original characters possibly defeat them...and their wicked friends the Gary-Drews?
1. The Mary Sue Apocalypse

**Disclaimer **I own nothing. I am not some rich English writer. (Hard to believe, isn't it?)

* * *

No.

No, it can't be!

Their haunting moans reached my ears. "Back, ye demons! Into the darkness from whence ye came!" I batted another through the head.

"What is it?" Harry Potter asked me, eyes widened with fear. One of them latched onto him, and I beat it off with a book of physics.

"It's the Mary Sues! They're coming to destroy the plot!" I yelled. "They make prophecies, ruin main characters' romantic lives, and change the laws of physics!"

In came another wave. Blonds, brunettes, redheads, all perfectly pretty and heads so empty their own voices echoed inside them. "The prophecy! Give us Harry! Give us Ron! Give us Draco!"

"_Help me!_" The platinum blond Malfoy was being dragged away by the swarm of fan fiction authors.

"Quick!" Harry cried. "Tell them they're ugly and no one likes them!"

"Give them bad reviews!" Ron screamed in pain as the swarm started ripping at his clothes.

"We can help you, Harry! We'll make Voldemort disappear with our smiles!" The crowd reached for Harry, who had leaped on a chandelier, despairingly trying to get away from the bunch of rabid, self-inserting authors.

"I'm your sister, Harry! I'll defeat the Dark Lord for you!" the girls chanted evilly.

"Ah ha! Finally!" Voldemort's cold voice echoed around the hall. "And now, Harry Potter, you shall die." Voldemort laughed, pointing his wand at him. He was surrounded by his Death Eaters, as was usual.

"You? You called the Mary Sues on us?" Draco scrambled up the stairs as fast as he could.

"What? No! I'm not _that_ evil." He laughed a low sinister laugh, shaking his bald head.

"Hey, look girls! It's the Dark Lord!" Another wave of Mary Sues charged towards him and his Death Eaters. "I'm your daughter, Voldemort!"

"We love older, richer men, Lucius!" They came in screaming packs of chaos, increasing in number right before our eyes.

"I love Death Eaters!"

"No, we must kill them to win Harry's undying love!"

"Heal Draco's secret pain!"

"I'm your long lost mother from a time warp!"

They tackled Voldemort, stealing his wand and breaking it in half with the poison of their smiles.

"Death Eaters, _remember ME!_" he wailed as they dragged him off.

"No! They're stealing the plot!" I cried, running after the bald villain. The Death Eaters screamed, jumping out of windows to escape the fan fiction authors.

"Who cares? I'm the main protagonist here! Someone help _me!_" Harry was being pulled off the chandelier.

"_Expecto Patronum_!" Hermione yelled, running in with the other girls from J.K.'s story. Her spell made the Mary Sues fall from the chandelier. They all turned to her.

"Look! They're the only thing standing between us and our various loves!" one of the brunettes yelled, pointing to the Hogwarts girls. "We have to eliminate them _. . . permanently_!"

"You're ugly!" Ginny screamed at them in abject terror.

"You're fat!" Hermione shouted.

The rest of us caught on. "You're a more boring character than Neville!"

"Hey!" Neville yelled, deeply offended by the fact that none of the pretty girls were going after _him_.

The Mary Sues shrieked in pain, their front line shriveling up into raisins. "No one reads your story!"

"Stop adding chapters that no one reads!"

One of the Mary-Sues shrieked some words that we couldn't understand, and the others followed her example.

"NO! Stop them! They're calling in their back-ups!"

"You're dumb."

"No one likes you!"

The Mary Sues' screams drowned out our withering insults.

The doors of the Great Hall boomed twice. We fell silent, and the Mary-Sues smiled as sweetly as poisoned maple syrup. The doors burst into matches, and in came a larger mob. This crowd was just as big as the Mary-Sues', if not bigger. Gary-Drews, handsome as Orlando Bloom, poured onto the battlefield. They brought their lackeys with them: boys stronger than oxes (as well as a few actual oxen), fire-breathing dragons, purple chickens, bloodthirsty hippogriffs, hypocrites, sidekicks (who assumed the form of miniature Mary Sues), and stereotypes of main characters--all shrieking evilly.

"Draco! Harry! Ron! Hermione! Ginny! Fred! George! Dumbledore!" Their voices filled the air like a skunk's perfume. There were female Voldemorts, Harrys, Rons, Dracos, male Hermiones and Ginnys. The sight nearly made me throw up.

"How can they write with all this noise?" Ron screamed.

"They think the world loves them and their disgusting pairings of everyone!" I yelled, spraying a dozen Gary-Drews with pepper spray. "They start and never stop!" I bashed another guy's head off. "Snape! Watch out! Here comes the story of your past pain to fill the paper cut of your soul with salt and lemon juice!" As I yelled my warning, twelve Lily Potters gave chase, accompanied by fifteen Jameses.

"I will heal your pain, Snape! Because I love you to the edges of my notebook paper!" a perky Mary-Sue screamed, jumping into his arms.

"Ah! Their skin burns!" Snape cried, throwing her to the floor.

"We can't fight them off! We have to escape!" Hermione screamed, beating off Ron Fangirls who were surrounding her. "Zombies8Me! Give us a scene change!" she screamed as another one jumped her from behind.

"I can't!" I cried. "That wouldn't make any sense! The reviews will be horrible!" I cut a Mary-Sue's hair off, and she withered to nothing, screaming about the prophesy that said her hair gave her immortality.

"Who cares about the reviews?!" George screamed before he vanished beneath the Fred Fangirls, telling him they'd take him away before he died in the last book.

"How dare ye!" I yelled. "You can't just give away spoilers without warnings!"

"Snape kills Dumbledore! Mad Eyed Moody dies! Harry is a Horcrux!" they chanted, making the real characters writher in pain.

"You stupid fan fiction suethors!" Ginny yelled. "We need a scene change! Hurry!"

"Fine!" I spat. "We'll take a paragraph break!"

* * *

Will the Mary-Sues ever die? What will become of those lost in their evil clutches? Where will Zombies8Me take them? Is any place safe from their evil?

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/8/09


	2. The Undead Hufflepuffian

**Disclaimer:** No I don't own either book(s).

_Warning! May contain high levels of character bashing!_

* * *

When we left our heroes, they were in a hopeless fight against the most evil evilness of all evil darkness the world has ever seen: the Mary Sues and their evil brothers, the Gary Drews (not Stus, because that would be stupid).

Then when all hope seemed lost, there was a rush of sharpie-yellow smoke, and an arbitrary scene change. But not everyone made it through.

Harry, Ron, Draco, Hermione, and Ginny stumbled onto unfamiliar hard ground, nearly crushing me to death beneath their stupid . . . their black wizardry robes. "I can't breathe!" I wailed. "Get off! Get off!"

"Oops, sorry."

A musical voice giggled somewhere behind us.

_No!_ We all turned to the source of the voice.

I cannot even describe the creature, it was too horrible! She stood there, giggling.

A Mary Sue.

"You're funny. My name is Jamie Sarah Gina Rachel Quaker Sprinkles Cupcake Kitten-Bunny Star Fairy Twinkles. It means 'the most wonderful thing in the whole wide skippy world!'" She giggled again, spinning around like a dizzy cow with perfect white teeth. She turned to Hermione. "Ew, you're really ugly." She laughed and skipped away, leaving behind her a trail of roses.

"Why didn't she attack us?" I asked Harry with fear.

"You should know. You're the one who wrote us here," he hissed back.

"But where _is_ here?" Ginny asked.

The dense forest dripped rain, and smelled foul. "I don't know . . . " I confessed.

"Oh no! Look!" Draco's voice shook. He pointed dead ahead. There were more of them! Hundreds! Thousands! At least ten times more than in the Great Hall! They were all walking, giggling, and breaking the most basic laws of physics. But that wasn't what he pointed to.

"Ah! Come on! No, no, _NO!_" Harry stomped his foot like the petulant child he had always been.

A billboard ahead of us read plainly: 'Forks, Washington. Home of Vampires, Vacation Home of Werewolves, and Temporary Prison for Anti-Social Arizona Brats'

Death by Mary-Sues would have been preferable to this . . . this horror!

"Zombies8Me! You moron! You wrote us into a _breeding_ place for Mary Sues! Not to mention the land of our arch-enemies! Do you know what _Twilight_ fans will do to you? Do you know what _Harry Potter_ fans will do to you?" Hermione screamed, her voice rising to a shrill shriek.

"Did someone say _Harry Potter_?" a thousand voices asked at the same time, with the evil tone only Mary Sues possess. They surrounded us in seconds. And to make matters worse, they were all vampires. Really, really, really, really, really _stupid_ vampires who all tried to look really, really, really, really, really smart but only managed to look even dumber. Oh, did I mention that they were vampires?

Someone gasped. "I've heard stories about these fan girls--they can smell fear just by looking at you! So nobody . . . say . . . a word," Harry whispered.

"Where are the original characters? They'll help us!" Ron whimpered.

"Have you _read _Twilight, Weasley? The main characters _are _Mary Sues!" Draco yelled. We turned slowly to stare at him. "What? Is there a law against reading a touching romantic story between a psychotic immortal emo-ish century year old man who pretends to be seventeen, stalks his girlfriend, bending her will to cater to his every whim before finally stealing her humanity and a whiny martyr who begins every other sentence in the book with the word 'I?'" He started tearing up. Why did people keep doing that? We backed slowly away from him.

"You weirdo!" Ginny stared at him with the look a hunter gives a rabid dog.

"Ah, so Zombies8Me has come to Forks," Edward Cullen (which is just another way of saying 'Gary Drew') stepped in front of his army of freakish fan fiction "authors" with the other main characters, all who were grinning sickening Mary-Sue smiles. "And you've brought the Harry Potter kiddies. How quaint. By the way, I'm more British than you. You can tell by my eastern Canadian accent and vastly superior zygomatic arches (that is, my gorgeous cheekbones)."

"Hey... Cedric... I thought you died," Harry stammered, squinting at the (cough) incredibly ugly vampire.

"Shut up before I kill you!" he screamed, then started crying.

"Ha ha! You went to Hufflepuff!" Ginny laughed, mocking his pathetic past life.

"I thought you were a vegetarian," I added.

"Shut up! Never say Hufflepuff in front of me! And, 'vegetarian'? That's just a bunch of _Hallmark _crap. Anyway, Zombies8Me, author of _Twilight, but better, _right?" he asked, smiling. Ew, he really was a Gary Drew. He glanced at the Mary Sues behind him and smiled again, slightly less wickedly. "You know, my Twilight minions have been complaining quite a lot about that particular story. It seems it doesn't follow the Twilight Fan Fiction list of Terms, Agreements, Praise, Adoration etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

"Twilight fans complain?" I asked bluntly. "_Nah,_ _really_?"

"What are you going to do, kill us?" Harry asked, eyes wide to show off his mommy's eyes (which, by the way, explains why Lily couldn't fend off the Dark Lord. She had removed her eyes and given them to her mommy's boy son).

"What? No. I have a much better . . . oh what is it called?"

"Seizure?" Jasper asked.

"Heart attack?" Alice offered.

"Brain freeze?" Carlisle added.

"Cardiac arrest?" Emmett suggested.

"Car?" Rosalie was obviously a dumb blond.

"No, no. It's like a headache with pictures."

"An idea?" I asked lamely.

"Yeah! One of those! I'm going to make you watch my new movie _and_ read all the books." And then he paused for a dramatic effect. "And let's not forget about _my_ book, Midnight Sun."

_Collective gasps_. "You fiend!" I cried. "We would rather die!"

He twitched his hand, and the Mary Sues charged . . . all at once. "Oh, major _bad day!_" Ron whined, like the redheaded, can't-get-a-girlfriend dork he really was.

"Give us a scene change!" Hermione begged.

"Okay, okay, okay! I'll try!"

"What happened? Why are we still here?" Draco asked, shaking me.

"I don't know!"

The mob of Twilighters was the kind that would make your skin crawl. "You forget we have magic powers." They laughed, coming after us with copies of the horrendous books and the extended edition DVD's.

"Watch it! _Read it! You know you want to!_" Their evil chanting was worse than the Mary Sues from the Great Hall!

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Ron squeezed his eyes closed, tapping his heels together. "There's no place like home." He opened one eye. "Curses! Foiled again! Darn you, Auntie Em, and your little dog, too!"

"If there is some greater author out there, (cough) unlike Zombies8Me, I promise if you get me out of this mess I'll be good! I'll stay off Broadway! I'll never be mean to Dudley again! Never again!" Harry wailed.

"Coming closer! They're coming closer!" Ginny shrieked. (Once again, her ability to state the obvious was overwhelming)

Hermione slapped me across the face. "Do something!" she ordered.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"I guess this is a bad time, but I left my wand back in the Great Hall," Draco confessed. "Oh please don't hurt me!" he wailed. "My Victoria's Secrets lotion-treated special Malfoy skin is delicate! I bruise very easily!"

"This is officially the worst day of my whole life . . . ever," Ron let everyone know.

Ah yes, it was. We were stuck in the worst place on earth . . . surrounded by the most hideous breed of fan girls known to mankind.

* * *

What will become of them? How can they possibly escape the clutches of the Mary Sue vampires? Will they be forced to watch the movie? Will Harry keep his promise to never sing karaoke on Broadway again? Why are Ron and Draco such sissies? And why do people keep writing fan fiction about themselves? Oh wait . . . that would include me, wouldn't it? (I'm just so darn special, though, it doesn't apply to me.)

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/08/09


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